Paying Attention

All life can be found in the smallest details...

When recounting our life stories, it’s often the big things we recall, the momentous events, the victories or defeats, the births, deaths, and other significant occasions that are written indelibly in our memories. Yet, our daily lives are lived in a myriad of small ways. One woman I know collects mementoes of her days, little things that strike her as particularly beautiful or interesting – a perfect pinecone, a scarlet leaf, a grandchild’s drawing, a poem – and puts them in a box. When she opens the lid and looks at them, she says, they reassure her that her life is not hurrying past unnoticed. I keep a mental version of that box filled with the following:

Sunrises. I often wake before dawn. In those first quiet moments, as the dark fades slowly from the sky to reveal the familiar in a different light, I understand why we call it a new day. No two sunrises are the same, and everything looks slightly different than the day before. Watching the sun come up reminds me of the dual nature of life, its constancy and its change, and stirs in me a deep wonder.

Firsts. The first of anything is an occasion–first step, first tooth, first kiss, first time you drive the car alone, that first sip of coffee in the morning or of tea late in the afternoon, winter’s first snowflake, and likewise, the first shoots of green that brave our New England spring. When my days become mundane, I look for something I haven’t done yet, or some new way of doing a thing that’s become stale, so that there’s always a new first to look forward to.

Senses. I am often stopped in my tracks by the emotions certain sounds or scents evoke. Music pulls me out of myself, an unexpected bit of birdsong on a winter day can change my mood, the sound of laughter always lifts my spirits. I remember my delight as a child, coming home after church on a Sunday morning to the scent of roasting meat and fruit pie. Nothing makes me quite as happy as the smell of fresh earth when the snow melts in April or quite as melancholy as the scent of dying leaves in the fall.

Colors. There is no season without its own colors. Spring and early summer paint with pastel palettes - lilac, pale yellow, soft blue. Autumn shines with a brilliance unmatched. Even when winter trees are leafless and all the ground is covered with snow, nature makes small places for my eyes to feast. The evergreens stand out greeny-black against the white, every shade of brown and gray shows off its luster where the snow has melted and the leaf matter is exposed, dawns and sunsets paint the sky in shades of crimson and purple. Cardinals and jays look like winged jewels in flight. And when the sun shines, millions of rainbows lie scattered on the snow. 

The unexpected. Sunshine when the weatherperson predicted rain, a card in the mail saying “thanks for being you,” a message on the answering machine that says, “Memere, I love you as much as the whole world!” fill me up until I spill over.

No doubt there will be many major events in my life, but it’s the small things, the everyday, every-moment times that fill my life with awe and wonder.

Life in the Country

Now that the weather has turned warmer, the dawn hours draw me out of doors. I like to take my first cup of tea and wander around the yard while the sun rises, taking stock of what's growing, watching the shadows give way to the golden light that pours down like honey over the tree tops. It spreads itself across the grass, touches the lilacs, shimmers along the trunks of the maples and pines, and sparkles on the water of the nearby pond.

My neighbor calls these my appreciation walks. Come with me, won't you? There's so much in my little corner to appreciate. My garden is shaping up nicely. Pudgy the cat, who thinks so, too, often accompanies me on my meanderings. Here she is perched on the wall of the pea patch.

This is the first thing I see when I open the door. The lilacs are in full bloom. This branch hangs over my doorstep, begging to be sniffed. At the bush's feet grow dozens of lily of the valley. I can't go in or out without being enchanted by scent.

At the far end of my yard hangs an old fashioned board swing. I often sit there to encourage the child I know still lingers somewhere inside this grownup me.

My patio is another place where I can sit and savor the day, especially at mealtime. I've not yet tackled the paving stone project...

but I have filled the annual buckets to overflowing.

I've noticed numerous flowers on the blueberry bushes near the garden as well as on the blackcaps that grow wild at the edges of the yard. The strawberries have spilled out of their bed and are white with blossoms. I wish I had room for fruit trees!

My tea cup is empty. It's time to head back inside and prep another wall for painting. My four days here are always so full they fly by, but it's been fun appreciating all I have with you.

Befores and Afters

Over the past couple of years, my little cottage has been undergoing some needed transformations.

The roof leaked so a new one was put on.

The old wooden door was warped and drafty and the windows needed replacing. The paint was peeling so a new steel door was installed, and the entire cottage got new windows and a fresh coat of paint.

Even the patio I built a few years ago...

is being updated. Next on the outdoor project list is to lift all the stones, level the dirt, and replace the pavers so everything is again level.

Now that the outside is so spiffy, the inside needs attention. I'm not a red person so down came the cabbage rose valences (catch a glimpse in upper left of photo),

and up went new ones made of pale blue, cream, and cocoa stripes.

Out went the old red countertop...

in favor of a subtle greeny-blue one,

and the old red and blue cupboard curtains...

were replaced with a green-blue check.

Now, off with the red, on with the cocoa brown as the walls and some of the furniture get a facelift with paint.

It's a work still in progress, sandwiched between babysitting and traveling. But, by summer's end I hope to be finished with all the work so I can finally sit down and enjoy it all!

For Mama

I wrote the following for my newspaper column years ago. Mother's Day is fast approaching. Though my mother has been gone now for 30 years, I remember her with love.

An old photograph shows her just tall enough to nestle her head on my father’s shoulder. “I’m built for comfort, not for speed,” she joked once, but she could move quickly enough with hairbrush in hand if I was naughty. Mama had a dancer’s grace. I know she danced as a child. I became a ballerina in her cast-off pink satin toe slippers, and a tap dancing fool in her black patent leather tap shoes.

“Like this,” she would say, clicking her feet against the cement porch floor. “Brush, hop, tap, step, tap.” I repeated the words under my breath until my feet could do it without coaching. My mother would tap beside me, her sneakered feet slapping the beat beside my own. Sometimes we’d stack her old polka records on the tall silver spindle of the record player and hop madly across the living room floor dodging the chairs, the footstool, the sofa, whirling and laughing until we were out of breath. When the music stopped, she went humming off into the kitchen to resume ironing or start dinner.

Mama wore her hair in a sausage roll at the back of her head even when it was cut short and the color had faded from flaxen to grey. I loved to watch her as she stood in front of the mirror early in the morning, her elbows bent, her hands reaching for the tiny hairs that escaped the rolled net that held her hair in place. On summer mornings she wore a morning coat—a thin, flowered cotton dress with buttons all the way up the front. On winter mornings she bundled against the cold in a chenille robe, thick, and belted at the waist. Not until her housework was done did she dress for the day. She was in her fifties before she traded her skirts and blouses for shorts and slacks.

When I was a small child, where she was, I wanted to be also. I would plead illness just to stay home from school and be with her. Her daily routine seldom wavered. Up in the mornings before the rest of us, she had the kettle hot and breakfast ready when we stumbled, sleep-befuddled, into the kitchen. She drank two cups of morning coffee, one standing by the stove just after the coffeepot stopped percolating, and the other sitting at the table with my father as he drank his own. Every weekday she packed four lunches, one each for my brother, my two sisters, and me. iI carried mine in my much-loved green metal lunch box. Even when I stayed home she would pack my lunch in it. Then at noon she’d fix a tray for herself, bring my lunch box to me in bed, and eat there in the sickroom with me.

She sang as she went about her daily tasks, “Singing makes it less like work,” she often said, which may explain why I whistle while dusting or washing the supper dishes. Often, too, she would stop what she was doing, seat herself at the piano, and play for half an hour or so. I would scramble up on the bench beside her, watching her fingers fly along the keys. We would play together, two-part practice pieces by Bach or a madcap version of chopsticks, each of us playing faster and faster until one of us made a mistake. Then she would laugh and give my shoulders a one-armed hug.

When things went wrong or Mama was angry, she went out the edge of the garden where an old apple tree stump served as a chopping block. She’d swing the ax, thump! against log after log until her anger translated itself into a pile of firewood. If winter snow obliterated the chopping block, she’d coax us children to go skating or sledding with her. Before long she’d be having so much fun that her bad humor would simply vanish into the cold air.

I remember all these things about her as I put the photo album back on the shelf. I do a little hop, brush, step as I head for the kitchen to make dinner.

Lili's Day

Because my daughter has no particular religious affiliation, she has chosen to give her daughters a Welcome to the World party rather than the traditional christening. Lily is seven months old this month and tomorrow is her special day. This is my poem to her...

For Liliana on the Occasion of

Her Welcome to the World Day

We get used to seeing

Through our own eyes, thinking

We know the world.

Then a small child is placed in our arms

And everything changes.

Our inward eyes turn outward,

And we see the world as it is – wild and wondrous!

The green of a new leaf,

The aching sweetness of the sparrow’s song.

We can giggle at the grass between our toes,

Jump in puddles,

Weep over small hurts,

And hug with abandon.

There is at once an innocence

And a deep wisdom

In a child’s eyes that allows us to see

Our own eternity.

Eventide

Sunrise

The day is slowly fading toward dusk. Birds fly in pairs across the pale sky, calling goodnight as they go. From the topmost branch of a slender maple, the cardinal sings his evening song. At the farm, the guinea hens yawp at the setting sun from the roof of their henhouse. The horizon is pure, melted gold.

The small breeze that ruffled my hair and flipped the pages of my book this afternoon has become a mere whisper among the grasses. But, late this afternoon it fanned a smoldering pile of logs behind one of the barns into a crackling fire that threatened to burn the remaining small wood that separates my cottage from several neighbors. I heard the snap of burning wood and smelled the acrid smoke. I ran to call the fire department which came, sirens screaming, a scant five minutes later. There was no great damage done, but for a few minutes my heart beat fast at the thought of what might have been.

Dawn and dusk are my favorite times of day. The air is most often still and at this time of year smells like moist earth and green, growing things. The same hush that begins the day falls again at eventide; body and spirit rest in the silence and soft light.

Sunset

Spring Prayer

Spring arrives at the cottage in shades of yellow.

I do not want spring to rush past me unnoticed so I stand on my doorstep at dawn, breathing in the still cold air, noting which trees are budding, which flowers are blooming. I watch the sun roll up over the horizon, painting the sky, the tree trunks, the rooftops, the lawn with a gold-tipped brush. The birds serenade the sunrise; even the rooster next door adds his voice.

Mid-morning finds me out of doors and on my knees. If prayer can be a living thing, then heaven must be besieged with gardeners' appreciation. Flowers are such beautiful things - ephemeral, delicate and yet so strong. I like knowing that my vegetables are grown from organic seeds and tended by my own hand. I don't mind weeding. It gives me a chance to be quiet and contemplative. And the reward is a tidy garden bed.

The days are never long enough to do all I have planned. Evening finds me watching as the sun sinks slowly behind the mountain, drawing its light with it until the sky darkens and the stars appear. In the swamp the spring peepers chorus and the larks call goodnight to one another. The blue heron that fishes at the edges of the pond groks as it flies homeward. Otherwise, it is very still, as if the air were holding its breath.

I like knowing that tomorrow (unless it rains) will be the same as today and for a few weeks yet spring will release its tiny miracles of unfolding leaves and petals.